Marriage proposal

Norms and roles

Gendered customs and roles

In Western cultures, a proposal is traditionally made by a man to a woman, while genuflecting in front of her. The ritual often involves the formal asking of the question "Will you marry me, ...?" and the presentation of an engagement ring (often in a small velvet box), which he may place on her finger if she accepts.

Before proposing, a man traditionally asks permission from the father of the woman he hopes to marry. In modern times, it is often understood as a formality.

The vast majority of proposals in the United States and Australia are made by men. In patriarchal societies, proposals by women may not be taken seriously or treated as "real" proposals.

Gender-egalitarian norms

When asked whether a woman doing the marriage proposal was acceptable or unacceptable, most respondents in America and Australia said acceptable. However, in practice only about 5% of proposals are made by women. Jewelry companies have begun to advertise engagement rings for women proposing to men. Folk traditions in countries including Scotland, Ireland, England, and Finland allow women to propose on leap days, sometimes with any man rejecting such a proposal being expected to pay a forfeit to his suitor, usually through a gift of clothing. Reasons some women state for rejecting gender equality for marriage proposal include fear of rejection and preferring benevolent sexism. Some women lead the marriage proposal in private, while publicly showcasing gender essential marriage proposal conventions.

Queen Victoria had to propose to Prince Albert due to royal tradition in Britain that no one can propose to a reigning monarch.

Same-gender couples, to whom gendered proposal traditions do not apply, usually keep some elements of customary ritual while altering others. In some cases, there may be multiple proposals, and each partner may propose to the other.

Traditions

The proposal itself is often supposed to be a surprise, although in practice this is rarely actually the case. Surveys have found that most proposals are not surprises, and most wedding engagements begin with a conversation in which the parties mutually agree to wed.

Not all engagements begin with a proposal of marriage. Historically, many marriages have been arranged by parents or matchmakers, and these customs are still sometimes practiced in the modern day. Even when the decision to marry is made by the couple, it may not be communicated between them directly; for instance, in the traditional Japanese custom of Omiai, the formal decision to pursue marriage or to turn it down (ja) is communicated between the couple's respective matchmakers.

Couples in many Christian denominations have the option of receiving the Rite of Betrothal (also known as "blessing an engaged couple" or "declaration of intention"), which often includes prayer, Bible readings, blessing of engagement rings, and a blessing of the couple.

References

References

1. (2011). "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated)". W. W. Norton & Company.
2. (2004). "'Popping the Question' When the Answer Is Known: The Engagement Proposal as Performance.". Sociological Focus.
3. (1922). "Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home". Funk & Wagnalls Company.
4. (2011). "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated)". W. W. Norton & Company.
5. (2014-05-05). "Why don't women propose to men?". CBS News.
6. (2011). "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated)". W. W. Norton & Company.
7. (2024-02-28). "Women take wedding proposals into their own hands on February 29 - but should they?".
8. (2004). "'Popping the Question' When the Answer Is Known: The Engagement Proposal as Performance.". Sociological Focus.
9. (2004-02-29). "Australian news article about women proposing". Smh.com.au.
10. (2012-02-29). "Leap Year Proposal: What's The Story Behind It?". Huffingtonpost.com.
11. (2019). "Reshaping relational scripts? Marriage and civil partnership proposals among same-gender couples". Psychology & Sexuality.
12. [https://books.google.com/books?id=avDXAQAAQBAJ Marriage Customs of the World]: An Encyclopedia of Dating Customs and Wedding Traditions, Expanded Second Edition [2 Volumes] George Monger ABC-CLIO, Apr 9, 2013
13. Lamont, Ellen. (23 September 2013). "Negotiating Courtship". SAGE Publications.
14. (2018). "My Dearest, Dearest Albert: Queen Victoria's Life Through Her Letters and Journals". Michael O'Mara Books.
15. (2019). "Reshaping relational scripts? Marriage and civil partnership proposals among same-gender couples". Psychology & Sexuality.
16. (2011). "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (Freshly Updated)". W. W. Norton & Company.
17. Weiss, Suzannah. (2020-11-18). "Forget the Fancy Proposal. Let's Just Get Married.". The New York Times.
18. Alpert, Erika Renee. (2014). "Language, Gender, and Ideology in Japanese Professional Matchmaking". University of Michigan.
19. (2011). "Rites Relating to Marriage: A Statement and Resources from The International Anglican Liturgical Consultation". The International Anglican Liturgical Consultation.
20. (29 August 2021). "What Is the Rite of Betrothal?". [[National Catholic Register]].
21. (2019). "A Brief Liturgy for the Signing of the Declaration of Intention". [[Anglican Church in North America]].